Quote the Raven:  A series of oneshots
by ereganto-tatsu-namida
Summary: Exactly as the title suggests.  It is a series of oneshots revolving around a series of quotes in which I have collected over the years.  Feel free to send in any that you want. Mine are mostly humor
1. Speed bump

ETN: okay, so I know that I'm normally doing drabbles and such, but this struck me last night as I was getting ready for bed and I knew it just had to be written. I have finally been attacked by a plot bunny and a muse, and they are not about to let go anytime soon. I have collected quotes for the past several years and so I am putting my favorites into some stories. I hope you enjoy these, because I know that I do enjoy writing them!

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Chapter one-Speed bumps

_Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.  
-anonymous_

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"Bones, THIS is why I never let you drive!" Special Agent Seeley Booth of the FBI exclaimed, holding onto the passenger side door tightly as his partner, Temperance 'Bones' Brennan, world renowned forensic anthropologist, turned the large black SVU sharply. 

"Booth, this is a car chase. I'm just trying to keep up!" she reasoned as she turned sharply again, entering a neighborhood full of trees, houses, children and-

"Bones! Speed bump! Slow down! You're-" Booth yelled, but the anthropologist ignored him, continuing down the street at the same speed and roared over the bumps like they were never there.

"Booth, speed bumps are of negligible effect if the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed," she replied, blue eyes still glued to the car she was gaining on.

"What?! Bones, English!" the agent half cried as he pressed himself even further into the seat, brown eyes flitting between his partner and the criminal's car that they were now passing. Sighing, Brennan began to explain.

"It means that, since the neighborhood wants cars to travel at a safe speed of ten miles an hour or less, they put up these speed bumps. However, if a vehicle is traveling at leas three times the desired restraining speed, 30 miles an hour or so, the speed bumps won't slow anything." She slowed more and maneuvered the vehicle in front of the one they were trying to stop, successfully blocking his path of travel. Giving his partner a strange look, Booth peeled himself from his seat and made the arrest. Hours later, as the two sat in Wong Fu's, he asked her.

"Hey Bones, where did you learn that about speed bumps?" Brennan simply gave her partner a look that said 'where do you think?' With a shake of his head, he let out a chuckle. "Never mind. I don't think I want to know."

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ETN: So? I hope it made ya chuckle a little bit. Feel free to submit your own quotes and who you'd like to say them, I'll try and get them all worked in! 


	2. Impossible

ETN: Oh I'm so glad that you guys are enjoying this. It's so much fun! So, to continue on with our fun, I'm updating! Yay! Hope ya'll have fun with this one, I know I did just picturing it in my head.

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Chapter 2-Impossible

Whoever said 'nothing is impossible' never tried slamming a revolving door.

-Anonymous

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When Brennan and Booth entered the Jeffersonian one mild afternoon, they were alarmed to hear sounds of chaos emitting from the platform in which Jack Hodgins and Zach Addy usually worked from. Exchanging glances, they hurried toward the source of the commotion. As they approached the platform, the sounds of chaos cleared into sounds of laughter from two people. Swiping cards, the FBI agent and forensic anthropologist headed up the stairs, onto the platform and were met with the sight of Angela and Jack sitting in chairs and laughing so hard they were both crying whilst the other young man stood across from them, his back to the new arrivals, one hand on his head.

"What is going on here?" Brennan asked, slightly miffed that the three hadn't been working on their latest case. At the sound of her voice, Zach whipped around, the hand covering his right eye.

"Nothing," he mumbled, trying to scurry off to be somewhere else. A large hand stopped him instead.

"Zach, what happened?" Booth questioned, brown eyes full of concern and slow burning anger. Sighing, the young anthropologist removed his hand, revealing a rapidly bruising area near his right eye in an odd shape. It wasn't shaped at all like a fist or anything…more like a long rectangular shape. It was obvious he had been hit with something. "Zach, who attacked you?" the agent asked as he and Brennan studied the bruising area. Hodgins snorted at this, vainly trying to swallow down a laugh. The two ignored him and kept their gaze on the younger man.

"Who ever said that nothing is impossible, obviously never tried to slam a revolving door," he mumbled. Booth blinked and tried to fight down the smile that was tugging at his lips.

"I don't know what that means," Brennan claimed, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Another strangled laugh escaped Hodgins with an Angela giggle close behind.

"Bones, it means that…Zach here tried to slam a revolving door…and ended up getting hit with it instead…" Roars of laughter emerged then from the platform and one very exasperated (and slightly miffed) Zach Addy with one hand clamped over his right eye hurried down and out of sight, mumbling something about doors and the impossible.

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ETN: Remember, feel free to send in your own quotes! I'll fit them in somehow.

Preview for the next oneshot:

"This is so pointless! I mean, what is supposed to protect us from that, air? It doesn't work like that! Why don't people understand?!" Angela ranted, gaining several strange looks from the other restaurant patrons. "Oh don't tell me you don't feel the same way. It doesn't work and you all know it!"


	3. smoking or nonsmoking?

ETN: Oh I am so excited that my stories are loved so much! This is so much fun and I'm so glad to be getting positive feedback and LOTS of hits. …no I'm not going to sit here and say 'well, I've had blank amount of hits but only so many reviews, so REVIEW PEOPLE' because I'm excited that this many people have hit upon my story! Yay! I am loving the quotes ya'll are sending me, so keep 'em coming! I'm trying to work them in as we go on. They probably won't show up until the next chapter or so. I'm still getting things sorted out. But THANK YOU SO MUCH! big hugs and a plate of cookies all around Oh, and I realized that I had been forgetting something lately, so, here is my disclaimer.

I do not own Bones or any of the characters. I am merely….borrowing? Yeah, borrowing! Lets go with that!

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Chapter 4-Smoking or Non-smoking?

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

-Anonymous

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It was a rare occasion in which Hodgins and Booth had invited Angela and Temperance out to dinner in order to 'discuss' their latest case. It was a nice restaurant, a slightly dress up one, but not one where they needed to be in cocktail dresses or anything. Arriving slightly before their reservation time, the four sat and waited for the maitre'd and made small talk, enjoying the atmosphere. It wasn't long before they were called up and the host asked one question that he will never likely ask that group again.

"Smoking or non smoking?"

Angela looked at him with a look of amazement before huffing slightly. Brennan and Hodgins, immediately recognizing this look, were slightly confused.

"What do you mean 'smoking or non smoking?' There should only be one inside the restaurant, preferably non, and take the smokers outside. It is so pointless! I mean, what is supposed to protect us from that smoke, air? It doesn't work like that! Why don't people understand?!" Angela ranted, gaining several strange looks from the other restaurant patrons. "Oh don't tell me you don't feel the same way. It doesn't work and you all know it!"

"Ang, hunny, please calm down," Hodgins murmured, trying to calm his angry wife. But she would not be deterred from her fight for justice of non smokers everywhere.

"Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. It doesn't _do _anything but seem politically correct! And you know what, I refuse to eat here until we are no longer subject to that foul smelling smoke!" another huff, and Angela was apparently done…for now. Several of the other customers (most likely non smokers) clapped while most just stared at her like she had sprouted two more heads and six more arms. "Oh don't you look at me like that. I'm right and everybody here knows it, they're just too stubborn and embarrassed to say anything!"

"Ang, I think it's time to go…" Brennan said and Jack gently took hold of one of her arms and steered her out of the restaurant, chuckling. Booth had long ago succumbed to silent laughs and had been trying to hide them behind a hand whilst Brennan completely agreed with her best friend.

"It is a completely pointless act that was made up to please the masses, but now that everybody knows…" her explanation drifted off into the night as the group all climbed into their vehicles, driving off to their regular place, more than ready to bask in the comfort of Wong Fu's.

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ETN: So, that's my masterpiece for the day. I thought you'd enjoy that…I sure as heck did. Remember to keep sending in your own! 

Preview for the next installment:

"There ith no problem with what I did. That woman had it coming to her. I mean, come on, how come women can dreth up like that and walk around all thexy like, and not exthpect men like uth to want thomething?" the man reasoned angrily. Booth couldn't believe it. The man had a _lisp._ He hadn't heard anybody talk with a lisp since he was a small child growing up, and it had most certainly not been a grown man!


	4. Lisps

Hey, sorry it took so long for the update, but I had a busy couple of weeks! The first one, I was with my grandparents for a week or so, and then I had to finish packing when I got back because less than a week later, I moved to college! So here I am, kinda lounging in me dorm, really sorry that I haven't updated in several weeks. They will be more sporadic now, I'm a college freshie and have to get used to the schedule…so, unfortunately, the updates will have a few weeks in between. Sorry! But I do hope you enjoy this:

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What kind of cruel person spelled the word 'Lisp' with an S?

-Anonymous

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After a long, tedious three weeks, they had finally done it. They, meaning Special Agent Seeley Booth and Dr. Temperance Brennan, had caught the man who had been raping and killing women from all over the DC area over the past six years. They now sat inside an interrogation room, listening to the man's confession, both rather surprised. The man was average looking, an average height, average weight and just plain…average. There was nothing really special about him except…

"There ith no problem with what I did. Thoth women had it coming to them. I mean, come on, how come women can dreth up like that and walk around all thexy like, and not exthpect men like uth to want thomething?" the man reasoned angrily. Booth couldn't believe it. The man had a _lisp._ He hadn't heard anybody talk with a lisp since he was a small child growing up, and it had most certainly not been a grown man! The lisps from his childhood weren't even this pronounced. Carefully, he snuck a glance at his partner, who was watching the attack with a furrowed brow, scrutinizing him as if she could understand why he had the lisp right there and then.

"Don't try and sell that crap. You had no right to do something like that to those poor women," Brennan retorted and it was then that Booth realized he was on and he arrested the lisper.

The two walked out of the FBI building, Booth's hand resting comfortably on Brennan's lower back as he escorted her to her vehicle.

"Hey Bones," he half said, barely waiting for her response before asking the burning question that had been driving at him for the past half hour, "what kind of cruel person spelled the word 'lisp' with an s?"

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ETN: Okay, I know…it's kinda lame…but I'm sorry! --dodges pelted rotting foodstuffs-- I've been SO busy and tired and this was a quick ten minute diddy…I promise that the next one will be better and be out sooner! I just need a swift kick in the pants every now and then…and I leave that up to you guys an gals out there! Until next time!!!

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Preview: 

"C'mon man, I needed this yesterday! I can't get Bones to go without it!" Booth groaned, causing the lab tech to look at the FBI agent, somewhat upset.

"I'm sorry! It's just…I got so caught up with, well…you know, and I forgot! But I promise, I'll have it to you by this evening. Just in time for your night with her, don't worry." Hodgins replied, but slowly folding under the look the agent was giving him.


End file.
